Separation is not something that gets easier the more you do it. Each time the pain is different, each time it’s equally intense, or not. The grieving process is not a straightforward one. Some days I feel better, some days I well up with tears in the middle of the day. Some days I feel like I’m gonna be okay. And the next moment I’m not. From being paralyzed in bed to slowly getting out in the sun, to the museum, to the harbour under the beautiful clouds, every step forward is difficult. I have no appetite, and one meal is all I can manage each day now. To centre myself, I’ve been meditating with crystals as part of my healing, willing myself to rise above my pain in time. I do yoga four times a week now, each time the practice gives me something different, but for now my intention is always “I am Love”, and “I will rise above the ashes”. I read something difficult everyday and I go to the gym twice a week. Singing to Regina Spektor features heavily too. It all sounds very positive and cathartic but I wish with my whole heart that I was doing it under happier circumstances, instead of losing someone I thought was dear to me. We’re actually the same person, two sides to the same coin. The irony of it all. But the pain is here and I don’t know how long I have to live with this. Maybe some days, maybe forever.
Something has left my life
And I don’t know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it’s not what I was seekingDidn’t you see me? Didn’t you hear me?
Didn’t you see me standing there?
Why did you turn out the lights?
Did you know that I was sleeping?Say a prayer for me
Help me to feel the strength I did
My identity, has it been taken?
Is my heart breakin’ on me?
All my plans fell through my hands;
They fell through my hands, on me
All my dreams, it suddenly seems, it suddenly seems